Last weekend I was at my daughter’s home and we were about to workout together. But then we had an argument and I left.
Like most arguments, especially between a parent and child, there are layers of emotion and history that can make some disputes nearly impossible to understand, never mind resolve on our own.
But with God, we can.
This argument felt different. This argument had deep roots. This argument was really about race and what’s happening in the US right now. This argument was personal.
You see, my daughter Jasmine was born nearly 30 years ago to me (Jewish and Sicilian) and her African American father, now my ex-husband. To say this girl of mine is beautiful inside and out is a ridiculous understatement.
Background
She was raised by me, mostly, after I left her dad who was both a cheater and an abuser. Although awful to me, I mistakenly thought he could still be a positive influence in her life by virtue of simply being her father. I was wrong. One day when she was twelve, after one of his halfhearted visits with her, he told her he was moving away to New York. The relationship ended there.
Something broke in her that day. I saw it. Something I couldn’t fix.
But God could.
I may be oversimplifying my parenting style when it comes to being both a single parent, and a single parent in a racially-mixed family, but my instinct during those years was to raise my children to know the living God and demonstrate what unconditional love looks like – with less focus on the dynamics of our very non-traditional family and the varying colors of our skin. Right or wrong, the truth is that I really didn’t talk very much about race.
That instinct most likely stemmed from the fact that I, too, was disconnected from my father’s side of the family. Back in the 1940s, my Orthodox Jewish grandparents disowned my dad when he married my gentile (non-Jewish) mother. That abandonment left a gaping hole in my dad’s life and also meant that my brothers and I were cut off from the other side of our ethnicity, family and culture. That void left us confused about our identity and where we fit in socially, but more importantly it left us with questions about love and why we didn’t matter to our grandparents. Abandonment of any kind has the potential for leaving us scarred for generations.
But God can heal.
What occurred in my childhood and early adulthood did have a negative impact in my life, but it didn’t destroy or define me. In fact, it may have helped fuel some of my strength. As I matured, I discovered who I was and who I was not – not only Jewish, not only Sicilian, not only American, not only a single mother, or even a victim. I discovered that I am connected to the world and to every other human being as a child of God. And it is there that I found (and still find) my identity and my victory.
Because of my own history, I believed my daughter would see herself not only as black or African American, not only a combination of black, Jewish and Sicilian, not only bi-racial or “mixed,” or even fatherless. I prayed that she would see herself through the eyes of the one who formed her before the foundations of the world. I knew that He would take all her beautiful pieces (like He does for all of us) and see her as perfect, love her without condition, guide her and sustain her for eternity. And, just like mine, her identity is not rooted in her ethnicity or race, but in being a precious child of God.
And I say that with an immense amount of love and appreciation for our backgrounds – and for the diverse ethnic and cultural backgrounds of people everywhere. I believe our history is an important part of who we are and should be embraced and celebrated.
God is our Father, and we are His children.
A Problem
But it’s people – all of us – that make race matter more than it should because we look at the outside, and all the other things that shouldn’t matter or define us, like where we live, how much money we make, our age, where we went to college, and all kinds of other things that cause division among people. And it’s in those differences where the seeds of discrimination, oppression, racism and social injustice begin to grow.
Those are the issues confronting us right now across our country, our world and social media, bringing to the surface the most difficult kinds of pain, anger and suffering. And in a diverse society we all, naturally, have our different views, thoughts, feelings about what the real problems are – and also what to do about them.
I’d say that is the starting place for the argument I had with my daughter, but I first would like to share a few things that have been on my heart and mind.
Like millions of others, I am deeply concerned about what’s happening. But, the thing that keeps me awake now is knowing that the destructive chaos going on around us is not only dividing us as a nation, but is rearing it’s ugly head in our homes to devastate our individual hearts and lives. This evil, like any evil, can destroy life-long friendships, break up marriages, and turn sister and brother, mother and daughter, father and son against one another.
My heart breaks knowing that the enemy of the world – and there is one – is delighting in seeing the chaos, the fear, distrust, the damage, the fighting, the threats, the accusations, the hatred, all of which are exacerbated by the recent months of sickness, death, isolation and massive confusion as a result of events surrounding the covid-19 pandemic. It doesn’t even feel real. But we are all living that now – all day, every day.
A Solution
We are desperate for solutions. And we’re all looking for answers and solutions in the same broken world that creates the problems in the first place. But the world will never be able to offer us the solution because the world is run and inhabited by people. And people are influenced by greed and power and all other kinds of wickedness, evidenced by the darkness and corruption in our world from the beginning of mankind.
But God has the answer.
Jesus’ message to the world was to repent so that our hearts could change. He didn’t command us to save the world or end corruption or hate. We can’t. Only He can.
Does that mean we just turn a blind eye and not stand up for injustice? No! But we have to start with a changed heart first, otherwise we may just be contributing to the chaos. And if our hearts aren’t in the right place, it’s easy to get sucked into and derailed by the polluted, hate-filled, controversial avalanche of posts every time we open our Facebook or Instagram feeds, turn on the tv or read the latest headline. Even seemingly well-intentioned posts can ignite all kinds of emotion.
A changed heart helps us tame our reactions and our tongue, and treat others how we want to be treated. A changed heart helps us forgive when we feel offended or slandered. A changed heart helps us lift one another up, and not tear down. A changed heart helps us listen, even to those views that differ from our own. After all, we can’t be all right. A changed heart is far more effective in getting to a real solution than participating in the avalanche of superficial support. The solution for peace is found first in the heart when we trade our sin for his grace, our thoughts with His, and our broken hearts for his peace.
God’s way, not ours.
Forgiveness
The morning my daughter and I argued I had just seen a Facebook post she shared related to the protests that are going on. There was something about it with which I disagreed. I asked her about it and we argued. It didn’t last long, but it was hard. And it was that argument that reminded me that the enemy has no boundaries.
Within an hour following the argument we both reached out to one another to make sure the other was ok. That’s love. Our changed hearts didn’t allow us to take the bait. Our differences no longer mattered – it was her heart I cared about and vice versa.
My prayer, and my hope for all of us, especially for those God placed in my life, is that despite the darkness and the fighting in the world that we can choose to not let that be the central focus of our days and let it rob us of the joy of celebrating life together. Also, that we not take the perspective of belonging to one group or another, but of being united together through the human race. And that is not to say that we can’t be sad, or stand up for what we believe is right. It just means that we can hold on to hope and rejoice in knowing that the Creator of the universe has overcome the world. That we can have that transformative peace, joy and hope through repentance any time because it happens in the heart.
It’s not who we are that matters, it’s Whose we are.
A Chocolate Cake
One might say that a chocolate cake recipe has no place showing up in the midst of a really tough topic. But in my mind, it absolutely does! Food, especially cake, helps us celebrate our lives, our families and our history in a most wonderful way.
The reason I’m sharing this recipe is because little Zaza helped me make this a couple days before my Jasmine and I argued. It was a precious time and the kind of memory that I want to continue to create over and over and over and over again with her, my “Lubbies” and all of my family, as long as I live.
Plus, this cake is delicious!
God’s grace, peace and love to you. ❤️
Homemade Moist Double Chocolate Cake
Equipment
- Two 8 ½" round cake pans
Ingredients
For the Cake
- 2¼ cups all purpose flour
- 1 cup dark cocoa powder I used Nestle's Special Dark Cocoa Powder
- 2 tsp baking powder
- 1/8 tsp kosher salt
- 1¾ cups dark brown sugar light brown should be ok too.
- 2 eggs room temperature
- 3/4 cup vegetable oil
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 cup milk
- 1/2 Tbsp white vinegar
Frosting
- 1 cup butter, chilled 2 sticks = 1 cup
- 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
- 2 cups powdered sugar
- 1/4 cup dark cocoa powder
- 2-4 Tbsp milk
Instructions
For the Cake
- Heat oven to 350° F.
- Grease, flour and line cake pans with parchment paper.
- In mixing bowl, sift together the flour, cocoa powder and baking powder.
- To the flour mixture, whisk in the brown sugar and salt until combined.
- In a small bowl, add the milk and the white vinegar; set aside.
- In bowl of stand mixer with whisk attachment (or using a hand mixer), beat together the eggs and oil until frothy, about 3 minutes. Add vanilla extract.
- Add the milk mixture to the egg mixture and beat gently until combined.
- With a spatula, gently *fold* (resist the urge to use the mixer) the dry ingredients into the egg/oil mixture until all traces of the flour have been incorporated.
- Divide batter equally and pour into both pans.
- Bake for about 20 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean when inserted in the center of each cake. Note: Rotate pans at the midway point for a more even bake. Allow cake to cool completely before frosting.
Frosting
- In a small, heat-proof bowl, heat chocolate chips in microwave for about 30-60 seconds. The chocolate chips should be soft but still have some form. Stir with a fork vigorously until chocolate is melted and smooth. Set aside.
- In bowl of stand mixer, or with hand mixer, beat together the butter with the powdered sugar and cocoa powder until smooth, about two minutes.
- Spoon the melted chocolate into the mixture and beat until combined.
- Add milk, one tablespoon at a time and beat until desired consistency
Cake Assembly
- Place the first cake layer on stand or platter. Add frosting to the center and spread from the center to the edges until about 1/4" thick.
- Position the other cake on top of the first layer and gently press down until even. Use remaining frosting to cover and decorate the tops and sides as desired. To avoid crumbs in the batter, rinse offset spatula with hot water and wipe clean between adding or spreading more frosting.
- Enjoy as-is, or garnish with berries or sprinkles. Enjoy!
Shari
So true! The belonging, the connectedness of knowing who we belong to, is life changing. Heart changing. Thank you for your lovely heartfelt message. More of this in the world would be a good thing.
Garlic Girl
And thank YOU for sharing!
Shari
By the way, thank you for the recipe! I love that you shared it with your message, and I laughed about it because of the stereotypes of Jewish mothers, Sicilian people, African American people, -ALL people. We love to feed each other!
Garlic Girl
Ha! Yes! ❤️
Elvira
Wishing you all the best. You have a beautiful. Congratulations and God bless you all
Garlic Girl
Lord bless you too! <3
John L
What a wonderful post to be reading first thing in the morning! Thank you for sharing your heart. I have been ministered.
Garlic Girl
Thank you – God bless you!
Anna P.
It’s amazing to me when the Lord gives you just what you need when you need it most…. I needed this today, thank you! What a beautifully written true story, by an incredibly beautiful soul! Gods Grace & Mercy IS everything! ❤️💋🙏
Garlic Girl
God is so wonderful like that. ❤️